USDA
GRADE A
GOOD BOY
GRADE A
GOOD BOY
Certified Wiener of Distinction
🌭 Official Oscar Mayer Wiener Dog Headquarters 🌭
Oscar: USDA Grade A Good Boy
Oscar is a Dachshund. His name is Oscar. Like Oscar Mayer. This is either destiny or the universe committing to the bit.
He's kind of a big dill... dog
100% all-beef good boy
The wurst best boy
😴
Current Activity
Napping
😊
Mood
Content
⏱️
Time Since Last Snack
Too Long
🎵 The Official Anthem
🎶 Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener
That is what I'd truly like to be
'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener
Everyone would be in love with me 🎶
That is what I'd truly like to be
'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener
Everyone would be in love with me 🎶
🔊 Oscar Soundboard
🫳 Belly Rub Zone
Click rapidly. Oscar demands it.
Happiness: 0%
⚠️ WANTED ⚠️
For crimes against dignity, unauthorized couch occupation, and grand theft snack
REWARD: 1,000 Belly Rubs
Suspect is armed (with cuteness) and considered extremely dangerous (to your heart). Last seen looking innocent near the kitchen. Do not approach without treats. WARNING: Subject may urinate when excited. Wear waterproof shoes.
⭐ Oscar's Yelp Reviews
★★★★★
"Came for the soulful eyes. Stayed because he fell asleep on my lap and I couldn't move for 3 hours. 10/10 would lose circulation again."
★★★★★
"I dropped a chip on the floor and this dog appeared from NOWHERE. Like a snack-seeking missile. Fastest wiener I've ever seen."
★★★★★
"He was SO happy to see me that he peed on my shoes. I have never felt more loved and more disgusted at the same time. 11/10."
★★★★☆
"Lost one star because he stole my spot on the couch, but gained it back in spirit because look at that face. I'm sleeping on the floor now. No regrets."
📄 Oscar's Professional Resume
Position
Chief Wiener Officer
Experience
Lifetime of snacks
Skills
Napping, begging, zoomies
Weakness
Stairs + excitement peeing on Dad
References
Every person he's ever met
Salary Req
3 treats/hr + unlimited pets
Superpower
Looking sad on command
Arch Nemesis
The vacuum cleaner
💍 Oscar's Mood Ring
🟢
Vibrating with joy
Oscar's tail is going so fast it's creating a small breeze
👨👦 The Dynamic Duo
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I deserve more treats."
— Oscar, probably
🔍 Oscar's Browser History (EXPOSED)
how to open fridge without thumbs2:34 AM
are cats plotting against me2:36 AM
why does vacuum hate me personally3:01 AM
hot dogs near me (research purposes)3:15 AM
am I too long or is everything too short3:22 AM
how to file complaint against stairs3:30 AM
dog in mirror who is he and why handsome3:45 AM
can dogs sue mailman for emotional distress4:02 AM
🚨 BREAKING
📖 Wikipedia: Oscar (Dachshund)
⚠️ This article's neutrality is disputed. The subject has been observed bribing editors with soulful eyes.
Oscar
SpeciesCanis familiaris (allegedly)
BreedDachshund (weaponized)
Known forBeing Oscar Mayer
HeightClassified (short)
LengthUnreasonable
OccupationProfessional napper
Net worth∞ belly rubs
TitleHis Royal Wiener
NemesisThe Vacuum (ongoing)
Oscar (born unknown, age "puppy forever") is an American dachshund widely regarded as one of the greatest wiener dogs of his generation.[1] His name, an apparent reference to the Oscar Mayer brand of processed meats, was either a deliberate act of comedic genius or a coincidence the universe refuses to let go of.[citation needed]
Oscar rose to international prominence through his ability to appear at the precise moment any food-related sound occurs within a 50-meter radius.[2] Scientists remain baffled by this ability, which appears to violate several known laws of physics.[3]
His political career began in 2024 when he staged a successful coup of the living room couch, establishing a constitutional monarchy where treats flow freely and nap times are legally protected. His approval rating remains at 100%, largely because he controls the polling methodology.[4]
Critics[5] have described Oscar as "too cute to be held accountable for his actions," a legal defense he has successfully employed on 847 separate occasions.
⭐ Rate This Good Boy
☆
☆
☆
☆
☆
Click to rate Oscar
⚖️ The People vs. Oscar — Court Records
Case #2024-001: The People vs. Oscar — Grand Theft Sausage
VERDICT: Not guilty by reason of being adorable. Evidence (the sausage) was never recovered.
Case #2024-017: The Couch vs. Oscar — Unlawful Occupation
VERDICT: Dismissed. The couch failed to appear in court. Oscar now has squatter's rights.
Case #2024-033: The Mailman vs. Oscar — Noise Complaint
VERDICT: Mistrial. Oscar argues the mailman is a daily intruder. The court finds this "technically not wrong."
Case #2025-002: Oscar vs. Stairs — Discrimination (Height)
VERDICT: Oscar awarded $500,000 in emotional damages. Stairs ordered to be shorter. Appeal pending.
Case #2025-027: Dad vs. Oscar — Involuntary Urination on Person
VERDICT: Oscar argues it was "a compliment." Court rules excitement peeing is protected emotional expression. Dad ordered to carry extra pants.
Case #2025-027: Dad vs. Oscar — Involuntary Urination on Person
VERDICT: Oscar argues it was "a compliment." Court rules excitement peeing is protected emotional expression. Dad ordered to carry extra pants.
Case #2025-019: Oscar vs. The Vacuum — Restraining Order
VERDICT: Granted. The vacuum must maintain a distance of 10 feet at all times. Oscar will bark if violated.
world record most naps in one day4:10 AM
is it illegal to be this cute4:11 AM
why do I pee when I see my favorite human4:15 AM
is excitement peeing a love language4:16 AM
📱 Oscar's Text Messages
Oscar 🌭
dad
dad
DAD
Dad 👨
What Oscar I'm in a meeting
Oscar 🌭
I can see the bottom of my food bowl
Dad 👨
It's literally full Oscar
Oscar 🌭
I can see the bottom THROUGH the food
this is an emergency
I'm wasting away
Dad 👨
You ate 5 minutes ago
Oscar 🌭
that was a lifetime ago in dog minutes
🏆 Oscar's Achievement Badges
First Treat
Gave Oscar a treat
Snack Pack
5 treats given
Treat Royalty
25 treats given
Treat Emperor
100 treats given
Belly Novice
First belly rub
Spa Day
50 belly rubs
Chaos Agent
Activated Bork Mode
Love Machine
20 pets given
Secret Wiener
???
Night Owl
Visit after midnight
Completionist
Unlock all badges
Enlightened
Try light mode
🔮 Oscar's Daily Horoscope
♌
Leo (The Lion... Dog)
Loading cosmic wiener energy...
🎵 Oscar's Spotify Wrapped 2026
Top tracks • 847 hours listened
- Who Let The Dogs Out — Baha Men 2,847 plays
- Hound Dog — Elvis Presley 1,923 plays
- Bark at the Moon — Ozzy Osbourne 1,456 plays
- Hot Dog — Led Zeppelin 1,211 plays
- I Wanna Be Your Dog — The Stooges 987 plays
- Atomic Dog — George Clinton 876 plays
- Puppy Love — Paul Anka 654 plays
- Walking the Dog — Rufus Thomas 543 plays
- Treat Sounds (10 Hours) — ASMR 12,847 plays
- Doorbell Sound Effect — YouTube ∞ plays
🎧 Top genre: Bark Rock • Listening personality: "The Howler"
💼 Oscar's LinkedIn
Actively seeking roles in Snack Acquisition and Emotional Manipulation.
Napping
99+ endorsements
Begging
47 endorsements
Looking Sad On Command
312 endorsements
📊 Oscar vs Other Dogs
Independent study funded by TreatPAC.
Speed0%
Intelligence0%
Cuteness0%
Sausage Resemblance0%
📦 Oscar's Amazon Order History
Prime member since birth (emotionally).
- Industrial-size treat bag (Subscribe & Save)
- Book: How to Train Your Human
- Stair-sized ramp (returned: too much effort)
⭐ 1-Star Reviews of Things Oscar Hates
“Vacuum cleaner: too loud, too confident, no respect for boundaries.”
🎱 Magic 8-Bork
Ask Oscar your question. Answers may be biased toward snacks.
Ask again after treats.
💤 Oscar's Dream Journal
Last Night, 2:47 AM
Was chasing a giant sausage through a field made entirely of treats. The sausage was faster than me. Woke up running in place on the bed. Dad was not pleased.
Tuesday, 4:12 AM
The vacuum cleaner learned to fly. It chased me through the sky. I grew wings made of bacon and escaped. The bacon wings were delicious. I ate them mid-flight and fell. Woke up on the floor.
Monday, 1:33 AM
Dad finally understood me when I barked. He said "yes Oscar, you can have unlimited treats." Then I woke up to him saying "off the couch, Oscar." Devastating.
Sunday, 3:05 AM
Was elected President. First executive order: all mailmen must announce themselves with treats. Second order: stairs are now illegal. Third order: mandatory belly rub breaks every hour. Approval rating: 100%. Best dream ever.
🎱 Ask the Magic Oscar Ball
Ask Oscar any yes/no question, then click the ball
8
Ask me
🥠 Oscar's Fortune Cookies
Click the cookie to crack it open
Your fortune awaits...
📦 Oscar's Amazon Order History
Industrial-Size Treat Bag (50 lbs)
Subscribe & Save — Monthly
$89.99
"How to Train Your Human" — Paperback
Delivered ✓ (chewed)
$14.99
Stair Ramp for Short Kings
Returned — too much effort to walk up
$149.99
Anti-Vacuum Sound Machine
Delivered ✓ — ineffective, vacuum still exists
$34.99
Tiny Lawyer Costume (for court dates)
Delivered ✓ — looks incredible
$29.99
GPS Tracker for the Mailman
Order cancelled by dad (unjust)
$49.99
"Couch Fortress" — Tactical Blanket System
Delivered ✓ — deployed immediately
$67.99
Alexa, But It Only Takes Orders FROM Dogs
Doesn't exist yet (filed patent)
$∞
🗣️ Oscar Bark Translator™
Select a bark to translate into human
Translation will appear here
⚡ Treat Tapping Challenge
How fast can you tap treats? 10 seconds. Go.
🍖
0
Best: 0 taps/10s
🔥 Oscar's Tinder Profile
Oscar, 4 (28 in dog years)
📍 Less than 1 mile away • Active now
Long walks 🐾 (short legs) • Into food 🍖 • Will steal your heart ❤️ and your fries 🍟
Looking for: Someone who won't judge me for peeing when I'm excited
Dealbreakers: Cats, vacuums, anyone who says "no more treats"
Fun fact: I'm technically a sausage and I'm okay with that
Looking for: Someone who won't judge me for peeing when I'm excited
Dealbreakers: Cats, vacuums, anyone who says "no more treats"
Fun fact: I'm technically a sausage and I'm okay with that
🎓 Graduated from the School of Hard Borks
💼 Chief Wiener Officer at Couch Inc.
🏠 Lives on the couch (your couch, specifically)
❌
⭐
💚
🎉 IT'S A MATCH! Oscar liked you back. Obviously.
🔍 What People Google About Oscar
oscar the dachshund why so long
oscar the dachshund how many naps per day
oscar the dachshund net worth treats
oscar the dachshund is he single
oscar the dachshund excitement pee normal
oscar the dachshund vs vacuum who would win
oscar the dachshund how to resist sad eyes
oscar the dachshund legal right to couch
📝 Obedience School Report Card — Spring 2026
Sitting
D-
"Oscar knows how to sit. He simply chooses not to. This is somehow worse."
Stay
F
"Oscar stayed for 0.4 seconds. A new school record for shortest stay. He seemed proud."
Come
A+
"Only responds to the sound of a treat bag opening. 100% recall rate in that specific context."
Fetch
F
"Looked at the ball. Looked at me. I fetched it. He has trained ME."
Socialization
B+
"Gets along with everyone. Pees on his favorites. We're working on alternative greetings."
Leash Walking
C
"Oscar treats the leash as a suggestion. Every walk is a negotiation. He always wins."
Not Begging
F---
"We don't even grade this anymore. We just cry."
📌 Oscar's Conspiracy Board
🔴 Confirmed
The mailman is casing the house. He comes EVERY DAY at the SAME TIME. That's surveillance.
🟡 Highly Probable
The vacuum cleaner is sentient and has a personal vendetta against all dogs. It feeds on fear.
🟡 Highly Probable
Dad is hiding treats somewhere. The evidence: he comes from "the store" smelling like treats but gives me NOTHING.
🟠 Under Investigation
The cat next door is running a psyop. It sits in the window specifically to taunt me. This is coordinated.
🟠 Under Investigation
"Bath time" is a government program designed to strip dogs of their natural protective stink layer.
🔵 Theory
The dog in the mirror is a parallel universe Oscar. He copies my every move. He knows too much.
🔵 Theory
Thunder is actually the sky barking back. I've been trying to communicate but so far no response.
📔 Oscar's Secret Diary (DO NOT READ)
Monday
Dear Diary, Dad said "no" today. I didn't know that word applied to me. Spent 3 hours processing. Ate a shoe to cope. Feeling better now.
Tuesday
Dear Diary, saw my reflection again. He's still copying me. I barked at him for 10 minutes. He barked back. It's escalating.
Wednesday
Dear Diary, the cat walked past the window and made eye contact. I have never been so disrespected. Filed a formal complaint with the household. Dad ignored it. The system is broken.
Thursday
Dear Diary, Dad opened the cheese drawer and I teleported across the house. Even I was impressed. New personal best.
Friday
Dear Diary, accidentally peed on Dad's friend when they came over. In my defense, they walked through MY door into MY house without offering treats. That's trespassing. I was justified.
Saturday
Dear Diary, today I achieved something incredible. I napped for 14 hours. Then I had the audacity to yawn when Dad asked if I wanted to go outside. Rest is a lifestyle, not a hobby.
Sunday
Dear Diary, Dad said "who's a good boy?" and then didn't immediately produce a treat. This is entrapment. I'm contacting my lawyer.
✉️ Oscar's (Insincere) Apology Letters
RE: The Incident With Your Shoes
Dear Dad,
I am writing to express my deepest and most sincere regret regarding what happened to your left shoe on Tuesday. While I understand that "destroying property" is frowned upon in this household, I would like to point out that the shoe was on the floor, which is MY jurisdiction.
Furthermore, the shoe smelled like outside, which is suspicious. I was conducting a thorough investigation. The fact that the investigation resulted in total destruction of the evidence is... unfortunate.
I have learned nothing from this experience and will likely do it again.
Dear Dad,
I am writing to express my deepest and most sincere regret regarding what happened to your left shoe on Tuesday. While I understand that "destroying property" is frowned upon in this household, I would like to point out that the shoe was on the floor, which is MY jurisdiction.
Furthermore, the shoe smelled like outside, which is suspicious. I was conducting a thorough investigation. The fact that the investigation resulted in total destruction of the evidence is... unfortunate.
I have learned nothing from this experience and will likely do it again.
Warmest regards,
Oscar 🐾
Oscar 🐾
📊 Oscar's Household Power Rankings
1
Oscar
Undisputed champion. Controls the couch, the bed, and all emotional leverage.
2
Whoever Has Food
Temporary #1 ranking while holding snacks. Power expires immediately after feeding Oscar.
3
The Couch
Oscar's throne. Has more authority than most family members.
4
Dad
Thinks he's #1. Adorable. Useful for opening doors and buying treats.
5
The Treat Bag
The sound it makes holds more power than any human voice.
6
The Bed
Oscar sleeps diagonally. Everyone else adjusts.
7
The Mailman
Constant threat. Under 24/7 surveillance. Respect earned through fear.
∞
The Vacuum
Not ranked. Banned from the premises. Restraining order active.
💬 Ask Oscar Anything
Type a question. Oscar will answer. (He's not helpful.)
Oscar: Go ahead. Ask me anything. I'll answer between naps.
Classic
He's not short. He's fun-sized and fully optimized.
Condiment Logic
Oscar brings mustard-level enthusiasm to every walk.
Science
Dachshund = aerodynamic hot dog with emotional intelligence.
If there's a Wiener Hall of Fame, Oscar already has a bun-shaped bust.
🫳 0 belly rubs given
🌭 0 treats dispensed
🐾 0 pets received